A warning: This is the most non-pc I’ve been in a long time.

And I bring you the ever disturbing...

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Team Retard.

Don't ask me why they put Gaara in the set instead of Sakura.. I couldn't even begin to tell you. Sakura is just lucky this kind of travesty never happened to her.

So, these were a present from Tema who saw them and couldn't stop laughing until she bought them for us. And even then...

My first impression was "Who.. the hell thought this was a good idea?" shortly followed by. "Someone was seriously trying to sell this at a CON in a BOX SET like they were good? .............."

But it gets better. Oh lord does it ever get better. Let's take a closer look, shall we?



Naruto. He's probably the best out of all of them and that's saying something. He might have even passed for decent on some level if it weren't for the fact that he's Chunin Naruto and not Shippuuden Naruto. No seriously. Look at the make of the coat and clothes and you'll see what I'm talking about. That and the fact that his whiskers are actually going in the wrong direction. See, Naruto finally found a jutsu to subtly change his appearance, too bad that (much like his first, second and third bunshin trial) the jutsu didn't go according to plan.

Upon closer inspection, Naruto apparently spent many years in Africa getting his neck stretched. The abnormal angle just looks painful, which consequently accentuates his whole body structure that just looks... painful. I mean really painful. The face is slightly too small and in the end, he looks like he took the short bus to the Ninja academy for a while.



Sasuke is second to most normal. And, again, this is tragic. I'm not entirely sure where to begin as I have starred at this abomination to all things holy and Naruto for many many hours. Perhaps it's the fact that his hair will not stay on his head and constantly insists on popping off to make Sasuke look like an aging 60-year-old Japanese man suffering a hernia.

Oh yes, that facial expression translates to internal suffering.. of the constipation kind. Maybe that's why he's wearing the grey diaper. That or the factory producing this forgot to paint the mold blue like the rest of his incorrectly colored pants. They just couldn't be bothered as they were clearly paying FAR too much attention to the detail of his hair.

Or not. It appears that they painted the hair while it was still on his head because the residue of black paint is still clinging to Sasuke's face in a very bad impression of a side burn gone wrong. And please, don't bother examining the fact that his toes are colored blue, it was CLEARLY done on purpose to show that aging Sasuke will eventually succumb to frost bite on one of his last missions. Yes my friends, it's the frostbite that eventually does The Great Avenger in.



Frost bite coupled with a hernia, constipation and apparently obscure hair loss patterns that could only be relevant to... cancer. Or something.

Now, the next two I am absolutely flabbergasted by because I'm not sure which takes the cake. I love them both equally in that way that only the mother of a severely deformed child can.

Just for the sake of getting it over with, I think I'll go with Gaara next.



See, this is what happens when women drink while pregnant. Poor Gaara of sand was found to be severely crippled with down syndrome at an early age and is now only allowed to participate in the Special Chunin Exams for VERY special Ninja. His brother and sister adoringly look on from the crowd and cheer on little Gaara as he pidgin toes his way across the finish line.

Gaara, who Shukaku was unwilling to possess for certain reasons, was allowed sleep throughout his whole life and therefore lacks that signature eyeliner --err "dark circles" that can only be attributed from years of insomnia. Tragically, on the same mission that Sasuke died on from frost bite, Gaara's uncovered toes suffered a similar fate to a worse degree. Blacken toes can't feel a thing but this matters not to the little trouper, he just keeps on trekking like a good ninja should.


Finially.. I give to you Kakashi.



Yes, Kakashi who is a fine example of why children should not play with magnifying glasses or raw plutonium. Please note the constant deformed bend to his body that will not allow him to stand up correctly... or stand up at ALL for that matter. Please note the awkward bend of the arms that can't actually strike at anything with those dull kunai but the person who is holding them (in the crotch. No I'm serious, we've tried and he can only manage to hit himself in the crotch).

His face.. well... that's the result of the plutonium. Sharingan apparently cannot withstand the force of nuclear physics and has abandoned him but left a horrible red residue that stretches from his eyes to eye brows. It should probably be noted that apparently plutonium also turns your skin to metal as you can see by the way his arms have become the color of mercury, and probably the consistency of it too.

Lastly, the unfortunate ending for Kakashi results in the sad fate that he also suffered on the same mission as Sasuke and Gaara for his toes AND fingers are blackened to a harden crisp and feeling will never return to the ninja. But I'm sure these are the least of worries, apparently the neck stretching he did in Africa with Naruto caused his shoulder to dislocate and leave him crippled beyond comparison. Age has turned his hair from white to an unfortunate shade of blue which I have only seen in the likes of elderly women at church and severely rushed last minute cosplay by color blind Narutards.


But the best last thing that stays with you and reminds you why bootleg action figures should never be sold ANYWHERE.. is the fact that the factory who made them were suffering from severe cases of ADD and poverty. Or the oversight of forgetting to paint the back of ALL of the characters was smaller than I would have assumed : /



In the end, these figures have brought me and mine MILES of joy (read: pain) and I present them to you with all the love my little black heart can muster !


-Sasuke

OH! And Sam, Roo, Ai-rika... your team.